| NORTH POLE: It's been a week now since the terrifying
assassination of MCDS CEO, Santa Claus. Claus,
only the company's second CEO was killed
with a single black jelly bean fired though
what would appear to be a high-powered rifle.
Claus was returning from a trip to Japan,
where he was picking up parts for the latest
video games. Claus did not usually pick up
parts, but coming so close to the holiday
seasons the normal driver had been moved
in to production. The investigation into the shooting was spearheaded by the internal security department of MCDS. Head Security Elf Jean Claud Boof had the following statement, which was read to the press, yesterday. Jean Claud Boof: Thank you for coming to our press conference. We are all saddened by the untimely and completely wasteful death of our CEO Santa Claus. Our elfish hearts go out to his window, Mrs Claus and the entire world at the loss of this wonderful, caring man. As you know, MCDS security took charge of the investigation into the shooting as there is no police department or government agency that has jurisdiction in the North Pole. We had turned up the following: By trailing the angle of impact, we were able to discover a snipers nest approximately 450 years from where Mr. Claus was shot. A careful forensic investigation revealed the following: 1. Sugar residue consistent with a rifle fired Jelly bean (licorice flavored). |
2. A partial eaten marshmallow "peep."
(pink) 3. Bits of colored foil, which smelled of chocolate. A forensic investigator from MCDS, using the latest in infrared crime scene lighting was able to locate 2 small clumps of white fur, which when tested in the lab were determined to be from a rabbit. DNA testing is being currently done and we are now awaiting the results. As many of you know, there has always been, what has been described in the press, as a "friendly rivalry" between Mr. Claus and the Easter Bunny and we at MCDS find it hard to believe that E. Bunny would have any part in this horrendous act. None the less, MCDS investigators have met with Mr. Bunny and he willingly provided fur samples for analysis. As many of you know, the jurisdiction on this matter has been passed to the United Nations World Court and we at MCDS have been cooperative and grateful. All of our investigative research, interviews and samples have been passed on. We will continue to cooperate in any way we can until the guilty party or parties are brought to justice. Thank you for your time. We are not taking questions at this time. This reporter has also learned that Mr. Bunny will be appearing as the guest of VNN talk show host Lenny King on his show, Lenny King Live tomorrow night. Stay tuned readers! |
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