The Night They Shot Santa

EDITORIAL:
by Gretta Von Dusseran

CAN THE EASTER BUNNY GET A FAIR TRIAL?

We are all aware of the tragic events that deprived the world of the icon of giving during the holiday season.

We all know how Santa Claus was brutally gunned down with a Jelly Bean as he returned from a trip to Japan, where he was picking up video game parts.

We all tearfully watched the VNN news coverage of his internment in a Miami Cemetery as his tearful widow watched on.

And we all know how it was that bastard, the Easter Bunny who shot him.

Or do we?

Santa Claus was killed with a jelly bean fired from a high powered rifle, and he and Bunny where rivals in Holiday giving, and rabbit fur was found at the scene of the snipers nest, but does all that mean that he was killed by Bunny?

No, of course it doesn't. But it does, and should, raise some questions.

But the first question should be whether Bunny, now being held by the United Nations World Court in a maximum security solitary cell, can really get a fair trial. Or, as so many have already done, will Mr. Bunny be tried and convicted in the court of public opinion long before he steps paw into a courtroom.

Unless you've not seen a TV or newspaper in the last few days, you know that E. Bunny has retained celebrity Lawyer Jonnie Pocrin as his lead council and that Pocrin has created "the Dream Team 2" to defend Bunny against what he calls "discrimination against the white rabbit." (Earlier, Mr. Pocrin had tired to play the "rodent discrimination" card for the TV cameras, not realizing that rabbits are not part of the rodent family.)

I, Gretta Von Dusseran, took to the streets of Manhattan with a tape recorder this morning to see what the "man on the street" had to say about this important topic.

"I think that stinking rabbit ought to be skinned and stewed. He was always, and I mean ALWAYS jealous of Santa. I mean, Christmas is the biggest Holiday ever and I thing that Bunny couldn't handle always being second and finally snapped." Said a man who asked only to be identified as "Howard."

Another interview had this to say:

"Let's face it. We all know he did it and it's a crying shame. I grew up watching him hop around and hide his colored eggs and such, but that's a high-profile, high-pressure gig. Not every body can take it. Maybe it's not his fault. I think that what he really needs is help - you know like a Doctor, not a jail cell."

We also ran into well know movie director Oliver Stoned, who had a quite different take on the whole thing:

"Gretta, it's a conspiracy. You can see its a set-up. If you are going to kill Santa, so you leave all these clues around that point only to you? I think that Santa is still alive and that he's being held at a secret government facility in the Nevada desert. I think that the body they buried was a fake and that Santa was never really in Japan. I saw the body and it's didn't even really look like Santa Claus.

It's the government doing, Gretta. They are behind this. They are holding Santa to this day." Stoned concluded, "just like they are still holding Elvis and those alien guys from the Roswell crash in 1953."

Oliver Stoned's well known conspiracy theory aside, feeling on the street was that Mr. Bunny was undeniably guilty. His motives, still unclear but jealousy was certainly on this list.

Not one person, with the exception of Mr.Stoned, that we talked to had any doubt of Mr. Bunny's guilt and the concept of 12 impartial jurors remains too distant to conclude. Is there somewhere on this planet where Mr. Bunny could get a fair trial? This reporter wonders, as do many others.

To conclude this piece, I was able to spend a few moments on the phone with the reclusive Tooth Fairy, who had this to add.

"I'm really sorry about Santa. I never met him, but he seemed like a really nice guy, like - ya know. It's just that these jobs we have, you know - sneaking around at night and leaving stuff, always breaking into houses and past sleeping dogs and stuff - they're tough and it's a lot of pressure.

If Bunny snapped, I feel bad for him. It's a tough life, but you can't go around shooting people. It's just not what we do. You want to shoot people, go into the Army or something..

Ms. Dusseran's opinions are her own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Wett Street Journal.