TRANSCRIPT OF THE DECEMBER 27th PROGRAM
TRANSCRIPT OF THE DECEMBER 27th PROGRAM
| Barbara's voice over scenes of Santa visiting
children and delivering gifts He's know the world over as "that jolly old elf" and for his grand list of children Naughty and Nice, but recently Santa Claus, CEO of The Merry Christmas Deliver System, Inc was himself a victim of the violence that has so plagued our world in recent years. Santa, shown here in stock footage taken before his recent ordeal, turned out to be more than just jolly: Santa .... is a survivor. Sustained by his love of giving and his faith that the world is really a good place, he endured freezing temperatures and survival rations all while formulating an escape plan that allowed him to foil the dastardly plans of his captors and bring to the children of the world, the Merry Christmas that he, and only he, could deliver. He's back at his North Pole workshop where he belongs, looking a bit worn, somewhat gaunt some might say but he is in clearly in good spirits. After all, this jolly old elf is none other than ....Santa Claus. Santa, clearly thinner than his traditional image, is dressed in blue jeans, cowboy boots and black turtle neck shirt. He is still wearing his trademark red suspenders, but clearly they are not straining as they once did. Santa and his wife, Candy, join Barbara, who clips a lapel mike to Santa's suspenders. Barbara - Santa, Candy. How are you both doing?. Santa: Barbara, We're feeling good. The day after Christmas is always a tough one for me. You know, long nights with no sleep aren't as easy as they were when I was younger. But we get though em, don't we my sweet (holding Mrs. Claus' hand). Lots of napping and a few cups of coffee and I'm back on my feet again planning what we can do better next year. Barbara: Santa, you really are amazing. After the harrowing ordeal that you've gone through I can't believe, as I'm sure our viewers back home can't believe, that you here with us like nothing ever happened. I look at you now and I can see a drastic change just in your physical appearance. Is that a result of your captivity? Santa: First off all, Barbara. You have to remember that being jolly is a state of mind. You can't be a pessimist all the time. Remember I told you that when you were 7 and came to visit me at the Billy-Bob's Five and Dime back in your home town? Barbara, looking shocked, says nothing. Santa (continuing): Ho Ho Ho - I knew you'd remember that, told the Missus you would, (Smiles at Mrs. Claus). I asked you what you wanted and you told me it didn't matter as long as Jimmy Ralley didn't get what he wanted. Do you remember what I said? I told you that you needed to worry about your own happiness and that you shouldn't let it be defined by anybody else. Barbara (whispering) that was a long time ago, Santa. Santa: Still applies, though, doesn't it. Barbara (normal voice): That's not always the easiest philosophy to hold Santa. You and your wife were being held as prisoners. Could you do that? Be jolly? Worry about your own happiness? Santa: Of course. My captors, who by the way all went to the top of the "naughty" list for at least the next 5 years, kept me locked up in my own Asian distribution center. All I got to eat was Sushi. Raw fish? Do I look like a walrus to you? (Santa pauses a moment, looks at his wife and decides not to wait for an answer.) Anyway, I decided that I was a jolly elf and by-gum I was going to be jolly and make the best of the situation. Barbara: So what did you do? Santa: Well, you might not know this, but Mrs. Claus, that is the REAL Mrs. Claus (takes his wife hand again) has been after me for a while to drop a few pounds. A steady diet of cookies, Coca-Cola and pie has put a few pounds on me over the years. Anyway, I had to keep moving to stay warm and I figured a high protein diet, which is what the Sushi was, was perfect for me. Even Santa gets tired of looking like a burned out yippie-leftover from the '60s, you know. I did that Atkins Diet, Barbara. I skipped all the rice, and after just a few days of no carbs, lots of protein and miles and miles of walking just to keep warm, I could already feel my belt loosening. After 10 days, I dropped 20 pounds and by the time we got home, I was down a total of 34 lbs. And you know what? I didn't miss all those cookies anyway. I've switched to Diet Coke and I'm still doing Atkins now. I'm half way to my goal. (Santa pulls at his loose belt to show the progress that he's made. Barbara: Gee Santa. That's great. So what about your business? MCDS? Your protegee, Gorf didn't do so well without you, did he. Santa: Gorf a good egg, he just needs another 50 years of seasoning. This is a tough business in a tough world and it takes some time to get your sleigh-legs, if you know what I mean. Gorf thought that the best way to run the workshop was to run it like a big business. It's not. We call it a business, but it's really just a family, right dear? That's how you have to run it. Decision should be made about people, not about money. Gorf sees that now and he's learned a lot. He just got some bad advice, is all. Barbara: Well, that is a jolly way of looking at things, isn't it. Say Santa, before we started, Candy and I were talking and she told me that you had only considered doing two TV shows, but in the end you had chosen this one. I know you rarely do TV interviews, but can you tell me what the other show was? Santa (steals a quick smile in Mrs. Claus' direction) - Actually, we got an email from the folks at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." They wanted to do a special reunion show to "make me over." Barbara looks at them, startled and confused. Mrs. Claus: When it was still on, it was his favorite show, you know. Every Tuesday night him and about 100 elves all pile in front of the TV .... Santa: Got one of them satellite dishes a few years back, you know. Mr.s Claus: ...and watch it. They never missed it. Santa: You know, I got a letter from that Carsten fellow once, you know - the "co - toor" guy. He must have been about 7 at the time. He didn't' tell me what he wanted for Christmas, but he wanted to make a few suggestions. Barbara: (trying to figure out how the conversation ended up here) - um, what kind of suggestions, Santa. Santa: - Well, let me see. I remember that he wanted to make sure that if I delivered any socks that they were Ralph Lauren Purple Label. He also suggested that I put kids on the "Naughty" list for mixing stripes and polka-dots or using wire hangers for wool sweaters. In the end, we just added "hanging up your clothes" to the list of things that would get you "nice" points. I never understood the whole - mixing patterns thing myself: Mrs. Claus: (smirking) Which is why you wear the same thing every time. Barbara (looking at her notes, like she had any of these questions written up before she started) : So in the end, what made you decided to come with us instead of being on your favorite show. Mrs. Claus: Oh, I can answer that. He said to me (in a fair imitation of Santa's voice) "I don't care what you told them in that email, NOBODY is waxing my back just so you can get a new couch!!" Santa: Yup. Pays to be jolly. But Carsten and the boys did send me this outfit, with a note that said "Black is slimming, but red makes you look fat - take the hint." Barbara: (looking somewhat shocked, but continuing) So what's next for you, Santa? Santa: Barbara, we've still got a bit of cleaning up to do. The last night before the holiday always makes a mess - wrapping and ribbon is everywhere. I've promised the reindeer that we'd put a new computer room and a martial arts dojo at the barn, so we'll be doing that in January. And there is always planning for next year. Mrs Claus (whispers into Santa's ear). Santa (laughing): Well, I've promised the Missus a vacation to someplace warm and sunny, and while are off enjoying ourselves, you can be assured that Gorf will be transcribing all of the Nice and Naughty list entries back into real books. Lucky for him the computer kept track of all the changes, but he'll wear out a few quills before he's done, I reckon. When he's done with that, he'll be spending the next few seasons doing "sanitation" at the reindeer barn. Barbara: They never did catch the people behind this elaborate set-up, did they Santa. Santa: - We may not have caught them yet, Barbara, but let me say this: Santa knows who's been Naughty and he checks his lists often. Barbara: Is that a warning, Santa? Santa: Lets just say that I don't think I've heard the last of them, and next time, you can be sure we'll be good and ready for them. I've got a mission, you know. Nothing stops Christmas. Barbara: Well, our time is about up but I'd like to say this - It's good to have you back. The world just isn't the same without you. Is there any thing else that you would like to say. Santa: Just this. People think that I'm what the holidays are all about, but the truth is I'm just a fill-in guy. If I really was out of the picture, Christmas would have gone on - folks would still be delivering gifts to their loved ones, spending time together and being grateful for the people that are a part of their lives. That's what Christmas is really all about, not this old elf. Of course, I'm not ready to retire just yet, so just remember, come Christmas Eve all you have to do is look up into the night sky. You won't see me, especially in my new stealth sled, but you can be sure that I'm somewhere up there. Barbara: Thank you Santa - Candy. Good Night everybody |
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